I don't know love

I once wrote that true love should be easy; no mind games, no demands, no manipulations, no bad intentions. Just pure love... It's true, nobody denies that. And it seems there are a lot of jaded but idealistic people out there who agreed with me when I texted it to everyone. Hehehe... Surprise, surprise, I'm a sweet girl too.  :)

But I would not have learned this without ever being to hell and back.

My friend asked me if I ever get tired of all the mind games, and I said yes. I hate mind games because the more you get better at it, the more worthless your relationships become. You know you are just throwing pseudo-romantic bullshit at each other and yet you continue with all the lies and pretensions. These routine activities of suppressing real emotions, honing manipulative tactics, and increasing sociopathic tendencies, will take out a piece of you every time you victimize somebody until there'll be nothing left for you to offer in the end. It drains your soul, your mind, your body; and it will draw out every drop of love to make more room for that insatiable devil that's making it all feel good. It feeds your pride by lifting up your dwindling ego, even for just a short time. And you, who are filled with your own insecurities, will bask in the glory of your own filthy little achievement simply because you got what you thought you've always wanted. Trust me, it's not as great as you imagine.

There are people and lessons you encounter in life that affect you and mold you into the person you are today. But even so, never blame these people or events for you still hold control over your decisions and the way you live your life.

My parents got separated when I was four; My cousin broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years and before she left, she told me not to stick to one guy while I'm still young. I was just a high school kid then; My teacher who regretted marrying early in life told us to become serial daters before starting a family; After college, I had a few dates who will forever be the examples on how to "red flag" the guys I should avoid. These people taught me a whole lot more about relationships whether I wanted to learn them or not. And most of the time, life teaches you its lessons the hard way.

And just for fun, let me put here some of the lines that I have learned because they are being overused by my dates:

1.  I'm with my sister right now/ I'm in a restaurant with my sister/ <insert excuse here> with my sister

... Almost all my dates use this line when they're out with another girl. It sounds too defensive, and seriously I'm ok even if they tell me they're dating other people as well. I only get possessive and demand loyalty if they become my boyfriend. I commend one guy I dated a long time ago for updating me about his sexcapades with different girls and for doing so many sweet things for me like giving gifts, being with me, driving me home, and for calling and texting often. Since he can't have "it" with me, he might as well get it somewhere else. I'm not a drama queen.

2. I'm on a business trip/ I'm about to give CPR/ I'm on duty/ <any excuse of being too busy that impedes ability to communicate for days>

... I may be too specific on the first two lines, but you get the idea. It's ok if the guy is late in replying, but to disappear completely for days? Hahaha!

3. I'm not ready for a committment

... The only guy I asked for a committment was my first date after college, after he demanded something that I am not willing to give. We fought everyday until I lost him to someone whom he used for around 5 months. After opening his hospital room door and seeing them together in bed, I never wanted to expect too much from anyone again.

4. I can't afford to take you out on a date

... I didn't ask for a date, you did. Some guys definitely use the same lines when trying to be with someone that they're not really into. I have paid for a date once, but most of the guys I've met actually paid for our dates. It's ok if you truly are broke, but if you use that line, please don't date other people. Also, please don't tell me about your winnings in the casino, or the summer trips and nightouts with friends, or the cars you sold, if you really are too poor to pay for one more person aside from yourself. It's ridiculous.

(By the way, don't be confused... I'm referring to different people here over a span of 3 years.)

Going back to what my friend asked me, I really am tired. All these are merely superficial but it still takes it's toll on my heart.

But there are tiny instances when i do feel loved and in return, I give my heart. I savor those precious moments for as long as I can, and live in this fantasy only he and I can understand. Sweet, serene, blissful... I soak it all up greedily, knowing that it will never last if there's no honesty in it. And it does end. I cry, but it gets easier each time this happens, and that scares me. I don't want to be like those numb, user-friendly people that I despise. I don't want to grow old without experiencing what the ancient poets and brilliant artists swoon and obsess about. I don't want to keep pretending anymore. I'm tired of all these bullshit I've piled around myself. Time to change, to let go, and to be more honest. Time to stop playing around and be brave in falling.

Time to avoid assholes, too.